Rubber Chicken Toons

THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

So why is it called “CSI” on CBS and “CSU” on NBC?

When Christopher Meloni of Law and Order, Special Victims Unit barks “Let’s get CSU here right away” I get confused. Why does he have to bark? Why can’t he just say it?

I know CSI means “Crime Scene Investigation” and NBC doesn’t want to plug a rival, but CSU? That sounds like a computer part. What does it stand for? I turned to my dictionary, which had several words that start with u. “Crime Scene Ukulele?” Crime Scene Ukranian?”

Also, how come when the teams from either network approach the victim they just know automatically that he or she is dead? I saw a lot of guys in college that looked a heck of a lot worse the morning after than some of those corpses. I have pictures to prove it. The coroner would pronounce from these pictures.

“Crime Scene Umbrage?”

CSI has been such huge success that we have seen roughly 34 spinoffs from the original CSI Las Vegas. It’s been like throwing water on a gremlin. I know they are going to eventually run out of the glamour cities and start using small towns in South Dakota. (CSI Pukwana.)

I know you are wondering what I did with those pictures from college. In consideration of the reputations of some of these guys they are in a safe place on the internet. Don’t ask, because I would never say where unless, maybe you sent me money.

“Crime Scene Underwear?”

I’ll bet real crime scene investigators are envious of some of the equipment they have on CSI (not to mention the hot women investigators). When he can’t find evidence the old fashioned way, (by stepping on it) William Peterson will bark something like “Get me the findbloodulator out of the van.”

One of his helpers will run (in slo-mo, hair waving with all their internal body parts graphically displayed) and grab an item that looks like two View-masters taped together then Peterson will solve the crime with it.

Now there’s nothing wrong with recycling props from the Star Wars movies to be used on TV, but I’ll bet money that real crime victims who watch a lot of TV and have “reality discernment” issues are probably already demanding that their own cases get solved this easily.

Speaking of Star Wars, there’s a franchise that has turned into a crime scene. What was George Lucas thinking when he came up with Jar Jar Binks? I was hoping against hope that the fifth installment was going to start with the ghastly murder of Jar Jar behind the opening credits and the investigators from “a long time ago and a galaxy far far away” would show up and say “Never mind, it’s Jar Jar. Put the findbloodulator back in the van.”

Another tool that shows up on every crime related movie or TV show is that magical “enhance” button. Grim looking investigators will be staring over a techie’s shoulder at a computer screen. The image looks like the inside of a nasal passage. One of the CSUs (I give up) will yell “enhance.” The techie’s fingers will fly over the keys and suddenly the image looks like a page out of a Where’s Waldo book.

I think it would be cool if CSI had guest celebrities playing the victims each week. Paris Hilton for instance. (“Looks like she tried to say a long word and choked to death.”)

Or Bob Dylan: (“We just found him blowin’ in the wind.”)

Donald Trump: (“There was a disgruntled ex-employee hiding in his hair.”)

Richard Gere: (“No cause of death yet but we found a couple of gerbils.”)

“Crime Scene Undulation?”