At our office we check to see if someone has won the lottery by looking to see if the boss' chair is covered with pee.

One of my co-workers is convinced that not only is the cup half empty, but that it's about to be knocked off the table and shattered.

They say never go to bed angry, and we strongly believe in that. 

We've been up for 73 hours straight now.

Some shaman practitioners are supposed to have mysterious cosmic powers that give them control over the weather. I have an unexplained power also. I can make my cat fart by putting him on my lap.

I've watched so many chick flicks with my wife I've started to grow breasts. At least that's what I like to blame it on.

BITS AND PIECES:

When you lie on your back and your stomach pooches up instead of pooching down, you should go on a diet. I'm on a diet.